How a Sibling Can Support a Brother or Sister With Autism

Sibling relationships are notoriously complex. One day, your little ones will be as close as peas in a pod, while the next, they’re refusing to get along, and nothing you do brings peace. This complicated connection becomes even more challenging when one of the siblings has autism spectrum disorder (ASD).

As with any sibling dynamic, parental modeling is vital. Although your children will have a natural bond with each other, ASD means part of that relationship needs a little more nurturing and understanding. In this guide, we’ll provide tips and strategies to help siblings support their brother or sister with autism.

Education is the Foundation of Understanding

Too frequently, many parents delay seeking help for their child’s autistic behaviors because they refuse to see them as “different.” Ignoring differences often leads a child to feel isolated and think there’s something “wrong” with them, and siblings who become upset or jealous over the extra attention often required in children with autism.

The reality is that an ASD diagnosis doesn’t have to be a “bad” thing unless you treat it that way. With education and understanding, everyone can learn the details, what to expect, and how to address obstacles.

However, you don’t have to throw all the information at your neurotypical children at once. Explain what’s developmentally appropriate using words and concepts they’ll understand. They’ll likely have questions that you can answer, which expands their knowledge organically. As new situations or experiences arise, let them know that this, too, is related to their sibling’s ASD, give them insights they can handle, and use tools that are already available, like “A Sibling’s Guide to Autism” on AutismSpeaks.org.

One thing to remember: This conversation isn’t one-sided. They will likely have insights that surprise and inform you, warming your heart with the bond between your children and helping you see where they’re struggling or concerned, so you don’t have to guess.

Approach the Situation From Their Angle

While every sibling dynamic is unique and your child’s ASD has its own special characteristics, you don’t have to start from scratch to come up with ways to help your children connect. But you do have to understand what’s going on in their minds as best as you can.

Start by recognizing the main concerns siblings have regarding their neurodivergent brother or sister, such as:

• A disconnect in finding ways to bond
• Privacy concerns, as children with ASD don’t always understand boundaries
• Jealousy or anger over disproportionate attention from parents and others
• Feelings of upset that they have more responsibility than their sibling with ASD
• Worrying about the sibling and the family’s future
• Embarrassment, then guilt at feeling embarrassed

These are all normal, understandable feelings. You may be able to work with your child to address them, or you may need to bring in a specialist to help. Either way, there’s no right or wrong guide, as long as everyone feels safe and loved.

Don’t Reinvent the Wheel

Trying to find ways for your children to support each other doesn’t need to be overly complicated. They’ve already seen how you care for your child with autism, and you’ve role modeled patience, love, and kindness. Now, it’s time to be honest and structured as you teach their siblings how to do the same thing.

If your child is receiving care from specialists for ABA therapy and other extra assistance, include the siblings in the treatment plan and instruction. They’ll learn strategies like manding and tacting, and the added consistency will benefit everyone! (This article by BehaviorSpan explains more about using tact in and out of the home.)

Remind your other children that they are loved and their needs matter. Give them guidelines and boundaries that help you and them, such as letting you know when they’re overwhelmed and need privacy or when they need your undivided attention to help with schoolwork or a private matter.

If possible, try to schedule alone time with each child doing something they enjoy. Let them have their own lives that don’t revolve around ASD, such as joining a sport or club, or hanging out with friends. This separate identity reduces resentment when schedules must change due to the child with autism’s needs.

Conclusion

Rarely have there ever been siblings who always get along and support each other. You may feel like you’re doing something wrong when your neurotypical child is upset or uncomfortable with their autistic sibling, but how you approach their feelings often makes the difference. Teach them what autism means and how they can explain it to their classmates and friends comfortably. Encourage them to join sibling support groups and other resources, and focus on the positives of diversity through those who learn differently. This perspective shift won’t just help your children’s bond — it will teach each child valuable lessons that they’ll use to become caring, kind adults.